jennorater's Blog
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12/15/07 8 CommentsWhat gift not to buy....TASER!
Taser Classic...don' t tell me you can read this without laughing... I laughed till I cried!!! ( Only a guy would do this!)
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.. Awe some!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like heck!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock, Earl
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12/4/07 7 Commentssome moving words
May the poor find wealth, Those weak with sorrow find joy. May the forlorn find new hope, Constant happiness and prosperity.
May the frightened cease to be afraid, And those bound be free. May the weak find power, And may their hearts join in friendship.
oh by the way........... 3 days and I will be in Vegas!!!!! MUUUUAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! ~ J~
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12/1/07 2 CommentsSuper Heros
Don't we all love super powers, something extraordinary to make us superior to others... I remember very well that I was so young when the first time I flipped the pages of an early issue of DC comics even I didn't know how to read yet. My young mind was mesmerized by the colorful outfit. That was my first introduction to Superman (a bird? a plane?) and to Batman fighting with all the villains with his fists and gadgets. I always wondered how the spot light was projecting the Batman insignia over the city of Gotham. And years after, many other super powered heroes were introduced to us. Practically became a part of our lives, our culture, a soft spot in our personalities. I always asked myself, what was the need to have all the time someone better, more powerful to admire? Do we need anyone? Really... Seriously... Do we need any? Do we have that low of a self esteem to look for imaginary moral support? Honestly, I don't have any answer to my own question. How can I have a genuine answer when I am one of the people who really admires super heroes. I can't be impartial about it. It's a rough start for me. I am already handicapped by my own opinions. It doesn't happen often. This is what I had bugging my mind today, all day, while trying to relax by the pool area. A snack bowl and iced lemonade in a colorful plastic cup was sitting on a poolside coffee table, next to my long chair. I was ready for a good afternoon, simply planning to clear my mind, and delete any unnecessary thoughts. Maybe I should give a break to my over-worked brain, just for a few hours to start with. Yes I know... There is no way a brain will stop thinking, even while sleeping. I know that it is a fact, a huge fact. And with me, with my brain.. definitely will never take even a slow down. I always accepted that I have several speed records broken in my brain, every moment, every split of second. I always put my brain to work harder than I can imagine. Why? am I being too ambitious? Is it because the life is short? Forget about life in general, I want to put a stop to generalization. Mine, my life is short.. That's what I care to keep the fire alive under my brain's work pattern. Fast... fast... snap.. snap.. quicker... double shift... multi tasking... Can't I pour coffee to my cup and place a slice in the toaster in the same time? Yes I can.. I have one hand for each. This is the way I supercharge my brain.. And today, I am thinking to give a slow down to my human power source, a graceful retirement attempt. Even partial solutions will be honored. There is no need to be a super hero... My so called work ethics should take a tiny vacation, just for today, for a nice occasion. What will be the occasion for..! I just want to have a peaceful moment with myself. It will be quite an occasion. Never happened to me before. My brain hums like a beehive in my crane, purrs like a well balanced Rolls Royce engine geared for a world record. I could never explain to you with simple words, sign language is not enough to demonstrate the level of being busy within myself. Just imagine a huge work space full of ideas and thoughts separated by colorful Japanese kimonos hanging on bamboo sticks, keeping them in orderly fashion. And today I just wanted to lift all the dividers, once in my life, to give myself a break. Did it occur to you ever, to the rest of the world, that I finally reached my limits, my humanly possible limitations! So I went ahead and declared today as my relaxation day by the pool. Sun is shining, shadows are playing little hide and seek games with the plantation around, while the warm breeze is going through them gently and carefully to do not move any leaves. And while all this is happening, I placed myself comfortably on the long chair, with my wide sunglasses to protect me from the direct sun light. Suddenly I've noticed the ripple effect on the surface of the calm waters reflecting my aqua blue 2 piece swimsuit. while the breeze was brushing , tiny waves developed, making my hips' reflection moving to the inaudible music for a belly dancer. I closed my eyes and already filed a petition to suggest to my brain to look back in the archives of my gray matter. I am trying to run my intelligence on a skeleton crew to save on thoughts. Minimal energy, just enough to tally up the past and recognize the double efforts of my future. Since I remember myself, I had to live double life, double exposure over a double barrel shotgun about to fire. One for the world as requested by my peers, for full life experience, and the second one for myself, for my soul. People working double shifts, I always hear them complaining about everything. They say that it is tiring, overwhelming and unfunny. Now multiply this accumulation of feelings and experiences by two. That would be me, since I known myself. Suddenly it did hit me on the face, abruptly, that I've been living my life for others. And with all my personal power struggles, I am trying to squeeze a tiny happiness out of it, like the end of the toothpaste tube. Of course it won't work well. The satisfaction and rewards are minimal, in this situation. What is wrong with this picture, as displayed since my birth, forever..! This picture is sooo wrong that, I kind of lost the concept of displaying it properly, the concept of reality, my reality. It is not a simple drawing with a soft pencil on a canvas, so I can go back, erase and restart, redesign from scratch. We are talking about my life. A life that I wasted generously for the sake of making other people happy, by accomplishing their demands, their expectations, while pushing mine to the background.. It had a tag on as "my life", but I never owned it. Was I out there to serve others, my destiny on a silver platter, for their eyes and their wishes only..! It shouldn't happen this way.. Shouldn't happen in any other way. It should happen only one way. One should live the life for herself. Stop me right there if I am wrong in any possible way. And, if I am right, just live me alone. Set me free like a bird out of captivity. I am not your life's DJ to fulfill your requests!. I am not playing your song anymore. I will reject your proposition to make me live my life the way you want me to. It wouldn't be my life than.. It'll be yours. Sadly, not mine... Do you see the problem there? That's why I decided to revolt against the customary concepts and I took over my destiny, one step at a time. And I cordially picked the highway to be myself. Just myself.. Nothing else but myself. And suddenly, the inner peace has established at a spectacular speed, and stayed at this level, the way it supposed to be. Did you ever noticed that I didn't need any super heroes to help me out, to make it happen. None whatsoever. There you go, I did prove clearly to myself and to the rest of the world that one is always a superhero by nature. All I had to do is to reach in me and pull out the courage to be myself. The rest was as easy as going down on a rollercoaster. Fast and efficient, without the screaming. Don't you agree with me that I deserve a break now? A relaxed day by the pool? Didn't I say the same thing at the beginning of this story?. How about you? What are you waiting for? Aren't you already tired of living your life for others? Let me remind you, that there are many sunny days to spare for a nice break by the poolside... It is time to be yourself...
~ Jen~
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11/28/07 5 CommentsOne for the ladies
WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius)
WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
- WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
- WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
- WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
- WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
- HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:
- WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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11/21/07 4 CommentsHappy Loyal Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is such a wonderful holiday, isn't it? A good time to remember all that we have to be grateful for, and to remember that Thanksgiving itself is about more than turkey dinners and football games. Its about family and loved ones here and departed from our lives. Its about being thankful for all the good things that we take for granted . On this Special day....Please pray for our troops in Iraq and all around the world who have fought for us in war that they don't even know why they are fighting. Pray for all the homeless children ..may they one day find peace and happiness...and parents who love them.
Thank you All for being a part of my life...Happy Thanksgiving and my Love to you all,
Jen
